There was a recent study which attempted to describe what makes people happy.  Some hypotheses were put forth before the study: beauty, riches, success, etc.  The study showed that none of these were significant in happiness.  The key to happiness is close relationships.  Since most of us would declare that we would like to be happy, then it would follow that it would benefit us to build good close relationships.  But, frankly, there is not a whole lot we can do to cultivate healthy relationships.  Techniques don’t work.  It’s more a matter of who we are in relationships rather than what we do.   So what are some ways of being in order to have good relationships?

·         Be someone who listens – this is found at the heart of every good relationship.  We need the ability to listen and understand what another person is saying.  We need to take the time to hear what is behind the words – the real message.

·         Be someone who is safe – a close relationship is built on feelings of security.  Don’t play games.  As long as we don’t feel safe, we are not going to open up and be real.  We cannot be genuine. 

·         Be someone who helps – we need to help because we want to not because we have to.  “That’s what friends are for.”

·         Be someone who walks in another’s shoes – we have to learn to see the world from the other’s perspective as much as we can.  This helps us begin to understand why they might react, think, and feel the way they do.  This takes work as it doesn’t come naturally.  It takes us choosing to see life from the other’s perspective – it is a deliberate choice on our part.  It also shows a genuine interest and caring.  Who among us does not wish to be truly known and understood?

·         Be someone who receives – there needs to be a give and take in relationships on order to keep both people in balance.

·         Be someone who weathers turbulence – disagreements will happen.  This usually is indicative that both people are beginning to go beneath the surface and talk about their true feelings, thoughts, etc.   It may be uncomfortable, but mature people will understand that these times can lead us to deeper, more real, more genuine relationships.

·         Be someone who knows when to call it quits – some relationships are not worth the work.  Yes, all relationships need nurturing, but some are just not going to make it.  If we are in a relationship that leads us to do things we don’t want to do or allows others to do things to us that we do not want, this relationship is not healthy.  If we are in a relationship in which we are constantly trying to win the person’s approval or we never feel accepted, this is not a good relationship. 

Remember, in building relationships, it is best to examine ourselves to determine who we are – what kind of person we are – rather than focusing on what we do.  What we do will flow from who we are.

If the Lord is present, then so is hope.  Hopelessness has no place in our vocabularies as Christians.

·         Regardless of how dark or desperate a situation seems, hope abides (1 Cor. 13:13).  Hold on tightly to that hope.

·         Our hope is anchored in Jesus Christ Himself (1 Pet. 3:15-16) – so our hope can handle any attack

·         Nothing can separate us from the love of God (Rom. 8:38-39) and the hope He brings.  Any problem or situation we face pales in comparison with His power.

We have to learn to look past our immediate circumstances and toward the hope that God gives us.  It is precisely that hope that can carry us through.

A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Proverb 18:24

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.
Arnold Glasgow 

Few delights can equal the mere prence of one whom we trust utterly - George MacDonald  

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting Robin
unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain. - Emily Dickinson

And my very favorite one of all time:    “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another,
What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
C.S. Lewis

Discouragement – a battle I’ve been fighting lately.  Tonight in church, while listening to our pastor discuss the book of Nehemiah, I thought of discouragement and how easy it would be to give in to it.  When discouragement sets in – when life gets overwhelming and we have difficulty seeing the way through and out, we are faced with choices.  We can choose to give in and give up.  We can choose to find somewhere or someone on which to place the blame.  Or we can choose to use the discouragement to propel us to new heights.  Nehemiah was such a great example of one who chose to use his discouragement to work his way to great heights.

Nehemiah was a Jewish exile living in Persia.  We know he had proven himself to be a man of trust and integrity because he served as cupbearer to King Artaxerxes.   His job gave him constant access to the king – tasting the food and drink before it was placed before the king.  Many of the Jews had been given permission to return to Jerusalem and rebuild and had chosen to do so under the leadership of Ezra.  Nehemiah learned through hearing the news from Jews who had returned to Persia that, even though the temple had been rebuilt, the wall around Jerusalem had not been.  Nehemiah was discouraged with this news.  In those times, a city without walls was vulnerable to attack – it was a weak city.  Jerusalem would not ever be able to be a strong city, a proud city, or regain its former status until the wall was rebuilt.  It was an overwhelming job – a large job – and one in which it would be difficult to see the possible ways to the end.  But instead of choosing to allow his discouragement lead to despair, Nehemiah worked on developing a course of action to correct the problem.

After praying and planning, Nehemiah took advantage of his close, trusted relationship with the king.  It is somewhat noteworthy that the king so paid attention to Nehemiah that his downcast expression was remarked upon.  The king must have cared something for him.  Nehemiah explained the situation, said a quick prayer, and then boldly asked for everything he would need to go to Jerusalem to rebuild the wall.  The king granted the request and Nehemiah carried out his plan.  The wall was rebuilt.

When we are faced with discouragement, we can choose to allow it to develop into depression and inability to act or we can choose to allow it to motivate us, giving a renewed determination.  Like Nehemiah, we can choose to allow discouragement to motivate us to find a way to solve the problem and not wallow in it, feeling sorry for ourselves.  We can choose to grow from it.  We can choose to allow God to work His mighty changes in us for His glory.  We have the responsibility and freedom to choose.  It is our choice.

Be Thou My Vision Hymn

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Hold Thou Thy cross

                     before my closing eyes;

            Shine through the gloom

                     and point me to the skies;

            Heaven’s morning breaks,

                     and earth’s vain shadows flee;

            In life, in death, O Lord,

                     abide in me.    – Henry Francis  Lyte

            In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. – Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a great need for Christ; I have a great Christ for my need. – Spurgeon

I am not what I ought to be.  I am not what I wish to be.  I am not even what I hope to be.  But by the cross of Christ, I am not what I was. – John Newton

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. – Dale Carnegie

I cried out to God with my voice – to God with my voice; and He gave ear to me.  In the day of my trouble, I sought the Lord; my hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing; my soul refused to be comforted.  I remembered God, and was troubled; I complained and my spirit was overwhelmed.  You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled I cannot speak.  I have considered the days of old, the years of ancient times.  I call to remembrance my song in the night; I meditate within my heart, and my spirit makes diligent search. 

Will the Lord cast off forever?  And will He be favorable no more?  Has His mercy ceased forever?  Has His promise failed forevermore?  Has God forgotten to be gracious?  Has He in anger shut up His tender mercies?

And I said, “This is my anguish; but I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High.”  I will remember the works of the Lord; surely I will remember Your wonders of old.  I will also meditate on all Your work, and talk of Your deeds.  Your way, O God, is in the sanctuary; who is so great a God as our God?  You are the God who does wonders; You have declared your strength among the peoples.  You have with Your arm redeemed Your people, the sons of Jacob and Joseph.

The waters saw You, O God; the waters saw You, they were afraid; the depths also trembled.  The clouds poured out water; the skies sent out a sound; Your arrows also flashed about.  The voice of Your thunder was in the whirlwind; the lightening lit up the world; the earth trembled and shook.  Your way was in the sea, Your path in the great waters, and Your footsteps were not known.  You led Your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Ephesians 4:15   …but speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things unto Him who is the head – Christ… 

God gave us language to be able to communicate – to allow us to talk, express ideas and opinions, provide information, and share our hearts.  Some people choose to communicate in hurtful ways, saying words which cause pain.  We, as believers however, are to communicate differently.  Paul wrote that our words should always be truthful and spoken in love.  Think about how many times a day we speak.  What if every word had to be passed through a filter of truthfulness, love, and edification?  Would we have any words left?  It would be good if we would think before speaking.  Words are powerful and, as such, need to be used carefully.

Proverbs 24:16  For a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again, but the wicked shall fall by calamity. 

Jude 24  Now to him Who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy.   

Jude makes it clear that God is able to keep us from slipping and stumbling.  However, He also knows that every failure has seeds of growth.  He knows that apart from failure, we would have no need of His forgiveness, His communion, or His help.  In His hands, failure can become one of life’s greatest teachers.  His hands can use failure to refine us in ways successes cannot.  Failure can reach down into the very depths of our souls and expose pockets of selfishness, pride, etc.  It makes us more aware of our own limitations and humbles us.  It increases our sensitivity to others and reminds us that God is not finished with us yet but has promised He will complete the work He has begun in us.

Peter is a good example of someone who fell.  He had boldly told Jesus, “Even if all are made to stumble because of You, I will never be made to stumble. “ (Matt. 26:33)  He insisted he would never fail, but Jesus stopped Peter’s bravado short when He told him failure would indeed come that very night.   Most of us know how Peter failed Jesus that night by denying Him three times.  Frankly, Peter’s failure had begun the moment he became overconfident and insisted he would never fail. 

Sometimes our first response to failure can be to focus on the failure.  “My ministry is over,” “God will never be able to use me again,” “My kids will be damaged for life.”  Although we must be concerned for the present, we must be careful not to focus on it exclusively.  We need to allow God to help us put failure into the proper perspective. 

Failure is never final until a person quits trying.  As we continue to try, failure is really only a setback and an opportunity to learn from our mistakes.  Proverbs contrasts the righteous person and the wicked person.   The righteous may fall time and time again, but he or she gets back up and keeps trying.  When the wicked person falls, however, he or she is led into a downward spiral that causes calamity.  There is no recovery, no hope, no more trying.

Failure is a part of the human experience.  It can be painful but it can also be a great teacher.  God’s definition of success does not preclude failure, but it does include a willingness to refuse to quit, to learn from our mistakes, and to try again.  Failure can be our greatest teacher.  It can destroy us, or it can immobilize us, or it can simply teach us a lesson about what not to do.  It can rub off our rough edges and soften our hearts.  It can be the first step towards being a great success.  God can use our failures, whatever they may be, to make us the people He wants us to be.